1. I'm a person with an annoying self-awareness--I feel like a walking, talking postmodern piece work 99% of the time. You would think that having just graduated, I would be scrambling to write something about the past four years. Those were, after all, supposedly the best years of my life. But I really haven't got much to say; at least, not much that I would care to admit out loud.
2. Okay, so if I wasn't so neurotic and had no sense of what is socially appropriate, I would have too many blog entries about Ugly Betty than you would care to read about.
Not to sound like a total ugly betty about it (in the super cheesy, annoyingly positive sense of the term), I believe it's because I strongly relate to what she had gone through in four seasons what I had experienced in my four years in college. It might sound a tad bit superficial, but I learned the importance of appearances. And if you knew me personally, you would know that this would be the last thing that I would care to admit. I am a fairly simple girl who would rather spend nights up reading or listening to music or analyzing TV shows and movies than, say, slutting it up in some party where everyone seems to know everyone, and they all have nothing better to do than talk about everyone else while getting bombed and using it as an excuse to justify acting like whores (and I say this for both men and women).* But I digress. Anyway, I guess while watching it during these past four years I saw the progression of my values and personality during college. While I had always held the same beliefs, it was college that provided me with the platform to actualize them, to actively choose instead of passively believing. It was like all those discussions in Philosophy of Ethics class: it was freedom to choose otherwise that made the value, well, valuable. And the thing is, I have always been a lover of beauty--it was just that I always (1) found it inconvenient to try to look, at the very least, halfway decent, and (2) I always believed it a betrayal of my disdain of the too-high premium society places on appearances to even try. But I guess at some point I stopped hating (okay, not stopped, my amount of hate lessened remarkably as my understanding grew) and just started doing my own thing, regardless of what I hated about society. I realized that, in a way, going against something because you believe that other people are doing it for the wrong things is just as ill-informed as blindly doing something because it's what everybody else is doing. ANO DAW. Hahahaha. Ang ibig ko lang sabihin, I have let myself indulge in a little vanity. I'm already emotionally unavailable, I can at least look, uh, socially inviting.
*I mean, seriously, why else would you get bombed and start dancing with some random dude/chick in a bar? Because the girl respected you and liked you for who you were and not because they were drunk and craving your approval? Because the guy respected you and liked you for who you were and not your exposed cleavage, legs, and ass? I don't have that much faith in humanity.
Oh, and last and hopefully least,
3. I have my very own Henry, who keeps on reeling me back in after I've already escaped into the ocean. But as always, I try to get off his hook and swim as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
Oddly, he has a way of popping back up into my life (literally--though Facebook chat or YM) during nights when I remember him. Last night, as I was watching S04E19, all I could think of (besides how hot Daniel, Tyler, and Henry were--okay pati si Betty, because I'm gay like that haha) was how I would react in the same situation: what if "Henry" had become available, and he would be given a chance to have a permanent place in my life again, and not just a haunting spectre of the past occasionally popping into my life through instant message? Pero ayoko. Ayokong bumalik. Gusto ko lang ipagpatuloy ang paglalakad palayo, kahit minsan di ko mapigilang tumalikod at maglakad pabalik para malapitan ng kaunti ang pamilyar. Kailangan lang, alam kong panandalian lang dapat ang paglapit na iyon, at kailangang bumalik ako sa totoo kong direksiyon.
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9 comments:
Napa "uhmmm" na lang ako. :))
I think we have always craved for society's approval, attention and appreciation that sometimes we do stupid and superficial things to get it. Social beings daw ang tao kaya dapat makihalubilo kahit pa minsan parang ibinubugaw na natin ang sarili natin. And I have my own personal saying that beauty...is in the eye of the beerholder. Kaya lang nakakalungkot na ang pamantayan ng kagandahan ay dinidikta na ng TV o ibang media. Basta ganun na yon.
Sorry for the clutter, nagpapaantok lang. Goodnight :)
"Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder." HAHAHAHAHA TOTOO. =))
Yep, I agree with what you said--and actually, you put it in words better. I was trying to say the same thing with my blog entry, but obviously my ADD tendencies kicked in, hahaha. Sobrang antisocial ko dati, pero ang natutuhan ko sa college, man is a social being. So kinailangan ko iacknowledge na hindi ako pwedeng i-isolate ang sarili ko in a social pariah of my own making forever. :))
That's okay, ano ba, pareho lang tayong naguunload ng mental shit natin dito. Good morning! :)
I could relate about having thoughts to go back to someone that was once a part of you; sometimes we just have to accept that there are things that just couldn't be. Kaya lang mahirap, at pipilitin nating lumakad forward pero hindi natin namamalayan na isang mahabang kalsada pala ito na hugis bilog na sa huli kala natin nakalayo na tayo pero bumalik din pala tayo sa inumpisahan natin, hanggang sa naging loop na at paikot-ikot ka na lang. Hindi ko alam kung pareho tayo ng naiisip...
Sige, ilabas pa natin ng husto ang mga mental shit!! :P
Oo shet pareho tayo ng naiisip. Parang most of the time naman kasi wala akong pakialam, kanya-kanyang buhay na tayo at okay lang yun, pero may mga oras na nags-spotaneous recovery ako at bigla kong iddoubt lahat ng times na okay lang ako at walang desire whatsoever na bumalik sa taong yun. Kaya parang feeling mo paikot-ikot lang. Frustrating lang talaga pag bumabalik, pero okay lang naman ako most of the time. Minsan lang talaga mapapaisip ka. :|
Do you have urges to go back too? Situations like that are usually very frustrating and tiring.
So, may pagka-recluse ka din pala before. I used to be like that too. I was better off alone, and I have limited set of friends--group of two people, hehe. Kaya lang nag-asawa na and I was alone again. Minsan, kahit napipilitan ka, kailangan mo talagang makipag-socialize, pinipili ko pa din yun kinikilala/kinakaibigan ko. Ngayon nadagdagan na ang friends ko, 2 na sila, and through them I met a lot of interesting people. Basta ganun...kaya para nabasa ko yun sarili ko sa first post mo.
Yeah, I do get the urge to go back. And right now I'm thinking about two things: whether I'm better off just cutting him out of my life altogether, or learning to transform my relationship with him into something that it never was before--platonic, which for me, it never ever was. Because friendship was never in the table for me; from the start, I always wanted something more from him. And I guess it's better for me that I do recognize that...at least I know that I won't be making nice to him all over again under the pretext of "being friends" when I know in the back of my mind it's all romantically-motivated. But I guess this awareness is what could make the difference between doing the stupid thing (which is trying to be friends with him but only doing it because I inadvertently want him back) and actually making an effort to change my relationship motivations. Or just cut him out para hindi hassle. Hahaha.
(Overthinking is what I do best. Hahaha)
Aaaanyway, it's nice to find someone who gets it. :) I make more friends now too, but I'm still really picky--and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, because I see all the shit people around me I'd rather not know and have the irresistible urge to commend myself for not getting sucked into their social bubbles. I always feel so judgmental saying this but I find the priorities and lifestyles of a lot of the people around me shallow, to say the very least. But then I remember that we're all gonna die and everything in relation to that is gonna seem shallow, so I might as well just chill out. O.O I swear my being neurotic is super hassle. =))
Earlier my boss joked that it's very unfortunate loving someone that doesn't love you back but feels good the other way around. Kaya lang nagkataon na tayo yung nasa wrong side of the road. Hehe.
Sometimes people we yearn for, we put them on the pedestal...but I think when we get/have them already, it would just be an ordinary feeling for us; not like the magical feeling that we think when we still don't have them. It's like satisfying a stubborn urge, scratching an annoying itch, that when we've fulfilled the desires already, things would be so mediocre and bleak. Parang "Yun na yon?" So sometimes I even doubt if the feeling/longing we have on a certain person is even 'true' and not because we just want an itch to be scratched. Now I'm lost with what I've said.
It's as if I'm reading my own thoughts through you. Ganun din ang tingin ko sa karamihan ng tao sa paligid---shallow, kaya I always opt to be alone than spend time with them. Kaya lang mahirap pag masyado ka nang nakulong sa sarili mong bilangguan na ikaw rin ang may gawa. May mga times na masaya mapag-isa, pero may iba pa ding kasiyahan na nadarama sa company ng taong mahalaga sa'yo.
Na-enjoy natin mag-chat sa comment section no?
Yes, EXACTLY. Yun na yon?! Because something stops the moment you "get" them--for other people it would be something like relief, or happiness, or some shit like that. But for me (or for us, I guess) it would be something more akin to...I don't know, panic? That after going through an emotional rollercoaster, the epiphanies/floods of emotion that we previously had waaay overshadowed the moment we were supposedly madly craving for? Or not panic, something like...hindi ka lang mapakali, because it doesn't feel like how you imagined it would feel.
Sa totoo lang, nag-eenjoy kasi ako masyado mag-isa, or yung sobrang konti lang yung kasama. Kasi pag madaming tao nakapaligid sa'yo, mas madalas mag-away, mas madaling hindi magkaintindihan, mas maraming makikialam sa buhay mo a. Mas nakakapagod, at nakakasawang ulit-ulitin ang pare-parehong away, lalo na kung ikaw lang ang nakakapansin na paikot-ikot lang kayo.
Although lately parang sumasakit na ang ulo ko dahil lagi na lang akong mag-isa (wala na kasing pasok at malayo lahat ng kaibigan ko), nassobrahan na ko sa sarili kong inner voice. :))
Enjoy nga mag-chat dito. Hindi nakakapressure tulad sa YM, at hindi nagdi-disconnect ng wala sa oras tulad ng Facebook chat. :))
So 'good riddance' from you to him or the other way around? Hehe. It's good that I don't have that dilemma anymore (I think).
I would like to be alone 60% of the time for I would only talk in spurts, pag nasa mood lang. Minsan nga iniisip ko, invisible na lang sana ako so I could just listen to friends talk without me having to talk back, and I could get in and out of the conversation without being rude. Minsan kasi, paulit-ulit yung mga issues, nakakasawa ng pakinggan. Kaya lang part ng pagiging 'friend' yon e, yung makinig ka sa paulit-ulit na isyu kahit pa nakakarindi na.
May SMS naman for friends. Maganda yung minsan nami-miss mo sila. So they say.
Yeah, walang pressure unlike YM. We can take our time here, just like me replying to a text message (which could take hours to weeks upon receiving). Hehe.
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